It was December,1988 when it all started. I was enjoying a reasonably successful career and I had just got married. I was in debt but that was the only thing wrong in my life. I was 31 years of age.
Then one day....I was at work and the telephone rang.
I answered, putting the earpiece to my right ear as I always did. But this time I could hardly hear the caller. Nothing too unusual as the line was quite often 'funny'. But for some reason I changed to holding the phone with my left hand and put the earpiece to my left ear. I could hear perfectly.
Over the next few days I really didn't think too much about it, then after awhile I started getting a sporadic tingling sensation in my head, near to the back of my right ear. Again I didn't think too much about it.
Then one day I was in my doctors for another reason when I mentioned my hearing problem to him. He thought awhile, then rubbed his fingers together near my right ear and asked if I could hear them rubbing together. I couldn't.
He immediately telephoned the local hospital and made an appointment for me to go there for what he called an 'x ray of my ear'. He said nothing more about it. I did not mention it to my wife as I was not worried at all. But I think the warning bells should have rung because to get a 'normal' x ray you just go to the hospital without an appointment and get it done.
I went along to the hospital a few days later and the x ray technicians there were brilliant, but would not discuss why I was having 'tomography' as they called it. Nor would they explain what it was for. They told me to go back to my doctor and ask the doctor to explain. At this point the alarm bells started ringing as this x ray procedure was not at all what I would call 'normal'.
I went home and then the next day I got a telephone call from my doctor on my mobile phone. He said something unusual was found on my x ray and that I had to go to the nearby Neurological Hospital for a CT scan. I nearly fell off my chair. I asked why, and he said it was just a precaution.
At this stage I told my wife who just laughed it off. I was fit, felt great, and had not had a day off from work due to sickness for years. There couldn't be anything wrong with me.
The next week I went to the hospital and had the scan. I asked the staff who performed it what they saw. It was viewed in 'real time' by a consultant neurologist so they must have known. They stated that I would have to wait a few days for the result. I started to fear the worst.
Three stressful days later I got a call from the secretary of another neurologist. She gave me an appointment to see him the next day. That night I couldn't sleep.
The next day I went along to the appointment with the neurologist and what happened in his office was alarming, frightening, and unsympathetic. I walked in and before I could sit down he said words to the effect of, " What you have is rare, we are quite good at removing them. Yours is on the large size so it has to be removed without delay."
I went weak at the knees and apparently went white. The nurse who was alongside the doctor helped me to a chair and I replied, "What are you talking about - what is wrong !."
He looked at my notes, and said, "Don't you know ??", "I thought they had told you - you have a brain tumour called an acoustic neuroma". He went on,"It has to be removed by surgery sooner rather than later".
I remember this as though it was yesterday. I just got up, stormed out of his office and spent the next hour walking around the hospital in a daze. I telephoned my mother, and she thought I was joking. I telephoned my wife and she also thought I was joking.
How could this be happening to me. Maybe they had got me mixed up with someone else. I was fit, not overweight, I thought I was in excellent health apart from a hearing problem in the right ear. Lots of people have deafness, its a normal part of growing older.
Over the next two weeks I spoke with my boss at work. My work was obviously being affected as my mind was elsewhere. He told me to go home sick until the matter was sorted out. I would be on full pay. So I did. Not expecting to be away for nearly a year !!
Then one morning in January, 1989 I got a letter telling me to go to the Neurological Unit the next week for a consultation. Of course I went, with a long list of questions to ask. I had a physical examination, and was asked if I consented to having the brain tumour removed.
The doctor said I should be back at work in 2 or 3 months after the surgery. I was getting more terrified as he went on. He asked me to sign a consent form, and I wouldn't. There was no way they were going to drill into my head. I was not ill, not in pain, not suffering from anything.
I got up and walked out.
A few hours later I got a telephone call from a neurosurgeon. He asked me to go and see him that evening. I was in two minds whether to do so, but thankfully I did. He told me that if the tumour was not removed soon it would become inoperable, and I would die. He showed me the scan and explained that as the tumour grew it would cause the brain stem to compress causing severe problems before eventual death.
I had to accept it. I was going to have brain surgery. That night I cried and cried. Why me ? What have I done to deserve this ? My wife was very quiet.
They decided to operate on 7th February, 1989. As the day approached I began hitting the bottle, I was getting more and more depressed. Then the day came.
I said my goodbyes to everyone and travelled to the hospital alone. I just wanted to be on my own. Anyway, I got there, booked into the neurological ward and waited. Two hours later a doctor came to me and said they would have to postpone my surgery as they had received two critically ill patients that morning and the intensive care unit was full.
I was confused. What had a full intensive care unit got to do with operating theatres ? I asked the doctor, and he said they had to have a free space in intensive care for me - as I would probably need it !!
Oh well, it just got more terrifying. So I went home even more depressed.
I was back in the hospital two weeks later. There was plenty of room in intensive care, and my surgery was scheduled for the next day at 0800hrs. I was still terrified but had come to terms with what was going to happen. I still couldn't believe that they were going to drill into my head, the head of someone who feels perfectly fit ???? But they were. Apparently I had a brain tumour.
That night I couldn't sleep. The nursing staff were brilliant, and I sat up talking with them most of the night. I finally drifted off to sleep at about 0400hrs only to be woken up two hours later.
I had to go and have a bath, wash my hair, and shave. I spent the next hour doing this, feeling very tearful, and wanting to go home.
At about 0715hrs, I was asked to get into bed and try and relax. I had been given a sedative but it did not appear to be working. My heart was racing, I was terrified. I kept looking at the clock on the wall. Then at 0750hrs they came for me with a trolley. I told them in no uncertain terms that there was nothing wrong with my legs so I was going to walk to the operating theatre !!
Of course I wasn't going to walk, and I gave in. I clearly remember looking at the ceiling of the corridor as they wheeled me to the lift. I passed under ceiling light after ceiling light - it seemed to take ages, I tried to count them but couldn't - I was scared too much. The lift took me up a few floors and then I was in the anaesthetic room.
The staff tried to reassure me. I am sorry for my reaction, I just said, " Shut up and get on with it". I felt very angry. I didn't even feel the prick in my skin as the canula was inserted and the anaesthetic administered.
Apparently the operation went as well as expected, apart from one moment when they were worried about my condition. They would not elaborate.
I woke up ( some 18 hours later so I was told ) and can remember seeing a nurse sat at the end of my bed looking at me. I vomited and thats all I can recall until 2 weeks later ! I was told afterwards that I had inhaled the vomit and choked causing the nurse to call the crash team !! It couldn't get much worse.
When I became totally concious and fully aware of my surroundings I was able to take stock of my condition. I was in severe pain - in my right thigh !! I had double vision, could not breathe without an oxygen mask, and could not swallow ! I was being fed through a tube inserted into my stomach via my nose, I was catheterised, had two drips running into my wrists, had a drain tube running from inside my skull and I was in the intensive care unit. The inhalation of vomit and lengthy anaethesia had also caused a severe chest infection.
I was so sad. The last time I could clearly remember things I was fit, felt healthy, and had everything going for me. Now this.
But then it all got much worse. I realised that I could not close my right eye. I asked the nurse why, and she called the doctor. He explained that the tumour had been wrapped around the right hearing nerve and the right facial nerve. They had to cut the hearing nerve and therefore I would be totally deaf in the right ear. They had also damaged the facial nerve resulting in a right sided facial weakness. He went on to say the facial nerve might repair itself but it was far too early to tell.
I didn't think too much about it, I could cope with the deafness, and I didn't understand 'right side weakness'. I thought about this for a few hours and then asked for a mirror. The nurse gave one to me and I looked into it. I could not believe what I saw. The right side of my face was 'deformed'.
I tried smiling. The left side of my face worked but the right side did not, it was just saggy and limp. The muscles on the right side just would not work. No one had told me this could happen. I looked terrible. The next day I had my right eye lids partially sewn together to prevent an eye infection. What next I thought.
During all this I also wondered why I had not seen my wife.
My mother and father turned up about an hour later. I think the staff called them when I came round, they looked very sad. I asked about my wife and they said she had been to see me when I was unconcious. She had realised I would never be the same person as I was before, and left. She was now uncontactable and not living in my house !! I was devastated.
My father took a week off work to try and find her and he eventually did. She was staying at a mutual friends house 100 miles away. He went all the way there and pleaded with her to come and see me. She refused stating that it was better things ended now, she was sorry but was not going to have her life ruined looking after me! That was that. I never saw her again. Some wife !!
I suppose you can imagine what sort of state I was in - a total physical and mental wreck. To make matters worse some work colleagues came to see me and brought with them a large basket of fruit. My colleagues were visibly shocked when they saw me. I suppose I would have been if I were in their shoes. They gave me the fruit with the compliments of the management. What a joke - I could not swallow !!
The 'company' had obviously not inquired about my condition at all. I suppose that is what you should expect from a company employing 7000 people.
Then after a couple of weeks or so my self preservation mode kicked in. The drips in my arms and the catheter had been removed, and I could breathe a lot better. I astounded the doctors by getting out of bed and walking around. I had double vision, no balance and was weak. But I managed to walk around the hospital wing clinging onto walls and furniture for support. I even managed to have a shower every morning but had to have a nurse hold me upright as I did so !
I eventually started going outside and walking around the hospital building. I was not going to let what had happened destroy me. I spent at least an hour a day doing this, and my balance slowly improved. It took 6 months for my double vision to go away, and 2 months for my swallow reflex to improve so that I could eat solids. Gradually I got stronger. But my 'facial weakness' never improved.
During that time I spent a few weeks at a rehabilitaion centre in the countryside which was pleasant enough. Whilst there I got back into drinking Bacardi and Coke ! My favourite drink. Things were looking up.
I returned to the hospital for two weeks and was then discharged with an instruction to go back every week for a check up. I went home to an empty house. My parents wanted me to stay with them but I wouldn't. I wanted to be on my own and get on with it.....I had a two further operations on my face to try and improve things - they didn't work so that was that and I had to accept things as they were.
I eventually returned to work a year after the operation. However I was a changed man. Not just appearance wise but my personality and attitude to life as well. I also could not concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. I was severely depressed. I had tinnitus, dry mouth, dry right eye, right sided facial paralysis, right sided deafness, occasional vertigo and loss of balance. I also tired very easily.
I spent the next few years going from position to position in the company. I could not settle anywhere. I was having regular conflicts with management who expected me to be exactly the same as I was before the operation. Eventually one side of management started trying to make my working life a misery in an effort to get me to resign. The other side was trying to make my work easier. I was an unusual case by all accounts ! I wouldn't resign and they could not fire me because I still managed to work well enough.
However in 2003 I had had enough. I had been on a high dose of anti depressant tablets for years and had been diagnosed as having clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder. This, coupled with continual problems with an unsympathetic section of management was getting too much. I had even contemplated suicide at times when my spirits were really low.
One afternoon I just got up from my desk, placed some personal items in my briefcase, said goodbye to my colleagues and walked out. I never went back.
I applied to the company for a medical retirement and had it granted. I have been living on the monthly pension they give me eversince.
In a nut shell my life has changed totally from what it was before the operation. Finishing work and moving to Thailand has helped considerably but I will never be the same old me. I have got used to my face and of course no one here in Thailand ever saw me before so do not know anything different. This helps a lot. I have some good times here.
However, I feel let down by the company I worked for and let down big time by my now ex wife. But I am very thankful to the doctor who first sent me for tomography. Had he not done so I would more than likely to have died years ago. Now, after nearly 20 years, I am enjoying life again. Although I still have exactly the same side effects from the operation as I had when I returned to work.
